[Gmail-Lounge] organising a Christmas party at work

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of
gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift
should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a
special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

**************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

*****************

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no
gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00
is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO
GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other,
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table
too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure
taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

*************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**ing Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

******************************

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with
full pay.

--
So low the sky is all I see
All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain
Though he just wants right back out again